The Bitterness of One Who's Left Alone
by cyberwulf
Summary: Giles' thoughts on Angel's return from Hell. NOT A NICE STORY.


1 The Bitterness of One Who's Left Alone  
  
By Cyberwulf  
  
Rated 15s (R) – thanks for the advice , Jewls13 ! – for bad language and violence  
  
Characters belong to Joss Whedon .  
  
Spoilers : References to 'Becoming', and the fic is set in Season Three , shortly after the rest of the gang find out Angel is back .  
  
Summary : Giles' thoughts on Angel's return from Hell .  
  
Author's notes : I've only seen bits of Season Three , so I don't know how Giles reacted when he discovered Angel was back . However , I don't think you just "get over" being tortured , or finding your girlfriend's murdered body left in your bed . Anyway , this is how he feels on the inside , regardless of how he might act on the outside . If there are any gross inaccuracies in this story , let me know , I'll take it down and straighten them out . I have actually seen 'Becoming' I and II , and even though Giles' only visible injuries are a couple of broken fingers and a cut on the forehead , that doesn't mean Angelus didn't do other things to him . It just means that the network wasn't prepared to include graphic torture scenes in a show that was aimed primarily at teenagers .  
  
Apologies to readers out there who prefer it when I do humour . . . the Demon Mews has been bringing me depressing ideas lately . I suspect it's been spending too much time sitting in its basket and listening to Staind while gazing tragically out at the night sky .  
  
2  
  
3 " Disarm you with a smile  
  
Leave you like they left me here  
  
To wither in denial  
  
The bitterness of one who's left alone"  
  
Smashing Pumpkins , Disarm  
  
So he's back . Back from Hell . Back from an eternity of pain and suffering and torment .  
  
He's back , but I'm still there .  
  
She's happier now that he's returned . Well that's all right then . Nothing else matters , as long as SHE'S happy . Never mind what happened to me . It was , what , at least four months ago ? God , that long ? I should have gotten over it by now .  
  
I'm amazed at how fast the others accepted him . All one big gang again . I stand back and watch them , and wonder , what's wrong with this picture ? What I went through – what happened to Jenny – does all that mean nothing to them ?  
  
He . Tortured . Me .  
  
All they saw was the cut on my forehead , and two broken fingers . She didn't even see that . Because she'd jumped on the first bus out of town . They couldn't see the other marks he left on me , buried under my clothes .  
  
(He rubbed broken glass in my hair .)  
  
When I take a shower I avoid catching my reflection in the mirror . I don't want to see the scars .  
  
(The diagonal slashes where he carved his initial into my side . The gouge marks on my arms . The nick just above my penis from when he threatened to cut it off .)  
  
I still dream about it .  
  
(He threw scalding water across my back . There's a lot of scar tissue there still .)  
  
Sometimes I want to grab Buffy , shake her , and scream . Ask her if she realises what happened , what I suffered because of her raging hormones . Demand to know why she couldn't have kept her fucking legs together .  
  
(Stupid , dozy , fucking little slut -)  
  
STOP .  
  
I feel guilty afterwards , for thinking those things . I tell myself that's Ripper talking . But it isn't Ripper . Ripper was never that cruel . It's something else . Something inside that frightens me .  
  
(He took down my trousers and beat me across the buttocks with a poker . I nearly lost it when I saw him coming at me with it . I thought he was going to –  
  
If I sit on a wooden bench I can feel my heart beating along the lines he made .)  
  
No one knows I feel this way . No one knows that inside I'm being torn to pieces . They don't ask , and I don't tell them .  
  
(Wouldn't want to upset the happy couple -)  
  
STOP .  
  
I'm cracking up . Get a grip , Rupert .  
  
I keep having these crazy , insane thoughts . I want to make him suffer . I want to hammer on his mouth with my fists until my knuckles are covered in his blood . I want to slam my heel into his ribs until they break one by one . I want to kick him in the head till it swells up to twice its size and he goes into convulsions from massive brain damage . I want to do everything he did to me and worse .  
  
(He set fire to the sleeve of my jacket . With me in it , of course . I was so far gone by then that I just stared at the flames . When it didn't have the desired effect he put it out .  
  
And ripped out a fingernail instead .)  
  
I want to carve MY name into his back with an ice pick . I want to flay the skin off his arms . I want to pull out each one of his teeth . I want to pull out his insides and set fire to them . I want to make him drink holy water and watch him burn from the inside out .  
  
I can't live like this . I can't . I'll go mad . But inside most of me is screaming that he has to pay . That sorry isn't good enough . That eternal regret isn't good enough . That he has to SUFFER . I clench and unclench my fists – the desire to hurt and destroy is very strong .  
  
But somewhere in the midst of this firestorm of anger and pain there's a small voice that keeps whispering , " It wasn't Angel . It was Angelus , the demon . They're different people . Buffy didn't know what would happen . They didn't know . It's not their fault ."  
  
And I cling to that tiny shred of sanity , that last scrap of rational thought , and I don't think I can ever forgive him but I'm trying . I'm trying . Because I'm looking into the abyss and it's starting to look back at me . I don't want to be so consumed by the monster that I become the monster . I refuse to be like him .  
  
I wake again to the sight of Jenny's murdered body , to the sound of Angelus' mocking laughter , to the smell of blood , the taste of vomit , the shooting pain in my fingers . When the paralysis of fright wears off , I stumble into the bathroom and lock the door . There , alone , where no one can see , I slump to the ground , and sob .  
  
-^)--)~ 


End file.
